The Conflict Between My Daughter and Me Is Resolved

By Hailian

“Ring …” Xiuzhen picked up the phone, “Hello?” From the end of the line was her daughter’s cordial voice, “Mom, the New Year is near! I’ll be back as soon as the vacation starts. There is a cold wave these days. Put on more clothes before you go out. And take it slow when driving your motorcycle …” Xiuzhen felt warm in her heart at her daughter’s care. After she hung up the phone, she prayed to God sincerely and thanked God for having resolved the conflict between her and her daughter. Looking out of the window, Xiuzhen thought of the past scenes …

Xiuzhen was born in a peasant family in 1950s. When she was young, her family was poor, so she dropped out of school at an early age and was unable to find a good job. She deeply experienced that if one had little knowledge, he had to do hard labor and monitor others’ expression when speaking and doing something. Since she gave birth to her daughter, she thought: I’ll do my best to pay for my daughter’s schooling, no matter how difficult and exhausting it will be, so that she will suffer less hardship than me. Therefore, when her daughter learned to speak, she taught her to learn a word by looking at pictures. After her daughter went to kindergarten, she began to teach her to write. Later, Xiuzhen’s husband died. As the head of the household, Xiuzhen even more felt her responsibility was heavy. In order to pay her daughter’s fees for supplementary courses and educational costs, she had to work three jobs and only slept for four or five hours every day. She was so exhausted that she had a sore back. However, no matter how miserable and tired she felt, she still clenched her teeth and held on. At that time, her daughter was like a piece of tail to her and followed her every day. Xiuzhen was very happy to see her daughter was cute and obedient. When her daughter was in elementary school, Xiuzhen not only let her daughter take remedial Chinese and math, but also asked her to learn to play the cello and violin. Though sometimes her daughter was reluctant to learn, muttering to herself, she still did as what Xiuzhen asked. In this way, her academic grades were always among the best and she always got scholarships. Xiuzhen was proud of her daughter.

Soon, her daughter entered middle school. Xiuzhen bought a computer for her daughter, which made it available for her daughter to take lessons on the Internet. Xiuzhen thought the online courses were beneficial to her daughter’s future. Besides, Xiuzhen found time in her busy life to accompany her daughter studying. Though her daughter was not interested in those courses, facing Xiuzhen’s nagging, she agreed reluctantly. Yet later, Xiuzhen noticed that on study time, her daughter was always absent. Every now and then she fiddled with her cellphone, wandered, drank water or went to the toilet. Even when the teacher asked her a question, she would not answer. Sitting by her side, Xiuzhen felt anxious and thought: I’ve paid much for the courses. If you don’t learn, you can’t find a good job in the future. What will you do then? She couldn’t hold back the fury in her heart and yelled, “Listen carefully to the teacher! You can’t answer such a simple question? If you go on like this, how can you find a good job in the future?” The more she said, the angrier she felt, and her voice was louder and louder. Her daughter had no choice but to listen. When the lesson was over, her daughter locked herself in the room and didn’t open the door, no matter how Xiuzhen shouted.

Later, Xiuzhen found that not only her daughter’s academic performance declined, but also she began to pursue the trends and pay attention to dressing herself. Xiuzhen learned from a teacher that her daughter had a boyfriend at school. After getting home, Xiuzhen lectured her daughter furiously, “You’re so young! How can you be so idle and find a boyfriend? If you don’t study hard now, you’ll be hopeless in your future life! I’ve eaten more salt in my life than you’ve eaten boiled rice! Listen to me, otherwise you’ll regret afterward. I’m your mother, will mom harm you?” Before Xiuzhen could finish her words, her daughter said impatiently, “Stop lecturing me! Even if I become a beggar, it’s not your business!” Hearing her daughter’s words, Xiuzhen slumped into the sofa, feeling her heart was broken. In the following days their relationship became extremely tense. They always had a quarrel about just one word of disagreement, to the extent that sometimes they even didn’t say a word to each other for a dozen days. Sometimes her daughter didn’t come back until midnight. These made Xiuzhen feel miserable. Since her husband’s death, they had been relying heavily upon each other, and her daughter was her only family. However, they, once closest to each other, were like strangers now. Her daughter was full of loathing and enmity to her. She thought: Could it be that I’m wrong? Xiuzhen sunk into confusion and pain.

Once, when Xiuzhen was practicing spiritual devotion, she saw a passage of God’s words say: “Actually, in a lot of things, parents refuse to budge from their status as parents. They always see themselves as the elders, and they think that at all times, children must listen to their parents, and that this fact will never change. This leads to constant resistance from their children. Such viewpoints leave both sides miserable, wretched, and exhausted. Is this not a manifestation of not understanding the truth? When people do not understand the truth, they are always constrained by status. How could they not suffer as a result?” God’s words woke her up. She realized: I once attributed the growing estrangement between us to my daughter. In fact, it is because I always play the seniority card in front of her and assume my place as a parent, and I always reveal my arrogant disposition in interacting with her in order to control her and ask her to listen to my arrangements, thinking that what I’ve done is for her good so she should obey without condition to study and live according to my will. Therefore, when she refused to listen to me and even resisted me, I flew into a rage and always scolded her, saying she was unfilial. I never care about her feelings. Reflecting on her past behaviors, Xiuzhen felt a little indebted to her daughter.

Xiuzhen also saw a passage of God’s words say: “Some people choose a good major in college and end up finding a satisfactory job after graduation, making a triumphant first stride in the journey of their lives. Some people learn and master many different skills and yet never find a job that suits them or never find their position, much less have a career; at the outset of their life journey, they find themselves thwarted at every turn, beset by troubles, their prospects dismal and their lives uncertain. Some people apply themselves diligently to their studies, yet narrowly miss every chance to receive a higher education; they seem fated never to achieve success, their very first aspiration in the journey of their lives having dissolved into thin air. Not knowing whether the road ahead is smooth or rocky, they feel for the first time how full of variables human destiny is, and so regard life with expectation and dread. Some people, despite not being very well educated, write books and achieve a measure of fame; some, though almost totally illiterate, make money in business and are thereby able to support themselves…. Regardless of differences in ability, intelligence, and willpower, people are all equal before fate, which does not distinguish between the great and the small, the high and the low, the exalted and the mean. What occupation one pursues, what one does for a living, and how much wealth one amasses in life are not decided by one’s parents, one’s talents, one’s efforts or one’s ambitions, but are predetermined by the Creator.”

Xiuzhen understood: What kind of life a man lives, how much fortune he possesses, and what kind of job he finds are decided by neither himself nor his parents, but has been ordained by God long ago. Some people have a high level of education, but they can’t find a good job; while some people are poorly educated yet have a brain for commerce, and they live a comfortable life likewise—God has made a suitable arrangement for everyone. Xiuzhen suddenly realized that in the past she didn’t know God’s sovereignty and lived by Satan’s viewpoint of “Knowledge can change your fate,” believing that to have a happy life, one must study hard and learn many aspects of knowledge and skills, for only after he mastered them could he find a decent job and have a good future. So she forced her daughter to learn those her daughter didn’t want to learn, which resulted in the rift between them. Having understood these, Xiuzhen felt easy and released, she no longer wanted to force her daughter to study, but was willing to entrust her daughter to God and obey His sovereignty and arrangements. When she was willing to obey God, the relationship between them was improved and her daughter was less rebellious.

In a flash, it was time for her daughter to apply for a high school. Xiuzhen was joyfully waiting for her daughter to discuss with her which school to apply for. Unexpectedly, her daughter had made a decision by herself and applied for a vocational school. Xiuzhen was very angry and thought: Such a big decision, why didn’t she talk things over with me first? She doesn’t show any respect for me as her mother. I’m the mother! At least she should first ask me for some advice. Now she has grown up and become fully fledged! When Xiuzhen was about to berate her daughter, she suddenly thought of two passages of God’s words she had read when practicing spiritual devotion in the morning: “Everything that happens to people happens when God needs them to stand firm in their testimony to Him. Though nothing major is happening to you at the moment and you do not bear great testimony, every detail of your daily life is a matter of testimony to God. If you can win the admiration of your brothers and sisters, your family members, and everyone around you; if, one day, the unbelievers come, and admire all that you do, and see that all that God does is wonderful, then you will have borne testimony.” “Thus, in everything you encounter there is a battle, and when there is a battle within you, thanks to your actual cooperation and actual suffering, God works within you. Ultimately, you are able to put the matter aside inside of you and the anger is naturally extinguished. Such is the effect of your cooperation with God.” Xiuzhen realized the circumstance she encountered that day was permitted by God. It was a battle in the spiritual realm. Through this matter Satan wanted to sow discord between her daughter and her in order to make their relationship reach a stalemate again. She thought: God asks me to live out a normal humanity, be tolerant and patient, be principled in my actions and deeds, so that I can win the admiration of my family and those unbelievers. These are God’s requirements and the testimony I should stand. If I lose my temper with my daughter, is this not falling into Satan’s trap? At this moment, Xiuzhen was much calmer and she didn’t feel so angry.

Then, Xiuzhen thought of another passage of God’s words: “If people have no verbal or spiritual communication, then there is no possibility of intimacy between them, and they cannot provide for each other or help one another. You have experienced this before, have you not? If your friend confides everything to you, giving voice to all that he is thinking and whatever suffering or happiness he harbors, then do you not feel particularly intimate with him? The reason he is willing to tell you these things is that you have confided your innermost thoughts to him as well; you are especially close, and it is because of this that you are able to get along and help each other out.” Xiuzhen understood that no matter what barriers and misunderstandings there were between people, they should learn to communicate and talk from the hearts with each other to know the thoughts and difficulties of each other. Only in this way could they become closer. Recalling carefully, she thought: Though I can see my daughter every day, I merely take care of her diet and daily life, and have never had a heart-to-heart communication with her, so I don’t know her actual thinking. This is the reason why we two live under the same roof yet we are like strangers. At this thought, Xiuzhen told herself that this time she must practice according to God’s words.

Then, she said to her daughter, “If you have any difficulties and thinking, please tell mom. Why did you apply for that vocational school? It’s far from home. Can you tell me why?” Her daughter had thought Xiuzhen would scold her. However, unexpectedly, her mother was so calm. So she told her thinking to Xiuzhen, “Mom, I know you’ve been always hoping I can enter the college. But I know clearly the situation of our family. After dad’s death, you have to feed our family, repay the housing loan, and support me to go to school by yourself. I know how hard you are. The reason why I chose the vocational school is that the tuition fees are lower, and besides, I can take a part-time job to reduce some of your burden. Fearing you may disagree, I didn’t discuss it with you.” Hearing the words, Xiuzhen was moved and felt blamed: If it were not for the guidance of God’s words, I would have misunderstood her and lectured her through my temper. Now she has grown up, and has her own thoughts. I shouldn’t ask her to listen to me in all things like before. I need to learn to communicate with her to know her actual thinking and respect her opinions. I should stand on an equal footing to get along with her.

So Xiuzhen let go of herself and apologized to her daughter, “I’m sorry. These years I have the final say in all things, thinking you are young and immature, so I always ask you to listen to me. Moreover, I always lecture you without the slightest consideration for your feelings. Now I apologize to you, please forgive me. If you find I do something wrong in future, please tell mom. I’ll change.” Hearing her apology, her daughter couldn’t help bursting into tears, “Mom, I’m sorry! Actually what I’ve done is not quite correct. Dad died early, and it’s not easy for you to bring me up. I know you’re always caring for me and what you’ve done is for my own good. But I have a bad temper and always blame you for nagging me. In fact, sometimes I also wanted to talk with you about my actual thinking, but I didn’t speak for fear that you would lecture me. I know it is Satan’s corrupt disposition. I’m willing to change myself gradually. From now on I won’t make you angry. I’ll listen to your words and be filial to you.” That night they talked a lot …

From then on, Xiuzhen began to train in practicing God’s words and treat her daughter according to God’s words. In interacting with her daughter, though they sometimes had different opinions, Xiuzhen would listen to her daughter’s thoughts carefully. She paid attention to letting go of her position of a parent and standing on an equal footing to get along with her daughter, and came to understand her daughter and respect her opinions. Sometimes Xiuzhen would share with her daughter the difficulties she encountered and her own thoughts. Their relationship became closer and closer. Even when her daughter wanted to find a job or boyfriend, she would ask Xiuzhen for advice. Sometimes her daughter would tell her some little secrets. The quarrels were replaced by their cheerful chat and laugh. Xiuzhen truly experienced that only God’s words could make her understand her own corruption. Only God’s words could point out the way of practice for her, resolve the conflicts between her daughter and her, and make them break free from Satan’s harm. It was God’s words that made her live out a normal humanity. Now Xiuzhen and her daughter are close like sisters. They have become confidants and tell one another everything. Thank God!